HELP WANTED – MUST BE ABLE TO WALK ON WATER

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Over at the Macromedia forums, someone posted a help wanted request.

Besides being a skilled Cold Fusion/SQL Server progammer, the successful applicant must have the following qualifications:

> Are willing to work initially for a short time with no money upfront realizing that you will only be paid some money when we see some work done

>Are willing and able to speak on the telephone during business hours, return calls, and you’re able to communicate well in English. You must also have a telephone number at which we can reach you – and not by appointment only. If you object at all to speaking on the phone, please do NOT respond. If you tell us later that you don’t like to talk on the phone or prefer email, you’ll be immediately taken off the job

They are also pretty particular about what they don’t want:

>Any military body you were in erased any part of your memory which now prevents you from remembering the spec (even if you just read it 2 seconds ago) or when the deadline falls

>You are egotistical, rude, argumentative and/or aggressive — particularly to women. Please go do that somewhere else

> You are a nervous wreck on the verge of a breakdown because: (a) your marriage is on the verge of falling apart and you’re emotionally unstable as a result; (b) your child(ren) scream(s) 23.9 hours a day which makes it too hard for you to work; (c) your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t like you freelancing and/or demands that you take care of the baby for 12 hours a day and you think you can do our work before 6 a.m. and after 11 p.m. and still stay awake and conscious and not give us complete and utter junk — you can’t; or (d) any other reason not mentioned. If you need constant handholding and compassion from us in order to avoid having a complete nervous breakdown which you’re always on the verge of, we can’t help you, sorry. We can’t be your marriage counselor, psychotherapist or your confidante. If you need any of the above, please find them elsewhere

Only saints and superheroes need apply.

2 thoughts on “HELP WANTED – MUST BE ABLE TO WALK ON WATER

  1. After taking a look at the employees who currently work there and the technical quality of the website and marketing, I suspect that Siobhan (“It’s Irish for Susan in case you were wondering!”) is behind the entire internet porn / spam industry. Nothing more ironic or moronic than calling themselves “Evolved Sites” – especially after looking at their client sites.

    BTW, I’m going to apply for that job as I am the ideal candidate. I can’t wait to work with Gabe (“Our PHP Guru”) and take Mark (“Our Logo Guy”) out to lunch. Celina (“Our Gal Friday”) will be my illicit office romance partner and I’ll hang with John (“Our Computer Fixer Guy”) outside the building smoking big ol’ fatties.

    Maybe I can even get “the team” to re-write WWR in the bargain!

  2. I duuno Jim, I’ve heard you lose your cool and yell at Esther. Doesn’t sound like you’re the “right” kind of person for the job.

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